The Dance

Oh geez what a cliche title. You’re off to a good start, Tara. Pretty sure you just stole that from Glee. 

Something happened at my home group about a month or so ago that I honestly didn’t ever think I would have the courage to say to a group of Christians that the majority of which I know have differing beliefs to me on this particular controversial topic. Homosexuality. I’ve wanted to write something about it for a while but can’t seem to wrap my head around everything I want to say - so sorry if this is a bit rambly.

I don’t even really remember how on earth we’d gotten onto the topic, but the general tone and content of what my home group was saying was that obviously it was a sin and that it was wrong. I think I remember someone actually using the phrase “from the devil”. Granted he was saying that about a lot of things that night - but it still got me pretty furious. But I just sat there in silence. I hate that. I probably would have continued to do so if one of my good friends didn’t say that maybe we should be more sensitive about this topic because not everyone believes that in this group. He was one of the few people from my church that knew my views on the topic. Had he not said that I probably wouldn’t have spoken up. 

I have not been so nervous in front of a group of people in quite a long time. 

I’ll give you some background on my situation - I’ve grown up in a Christian home, was taught from a young age that homosexuality is wrong. Now my parents are absolutely lovely people, while they believe it’s a sin, of course they treat gay people with as much love and respect as anyone else. I want to make that clear. But it is how I was raised and what I believed until at least grade 12, if not longer. 

My opinion on the matter has changed though, obviously, and I’m not going to lie I completely struggled with it. I’m not gay, but as I got older I just didn’t see how an act of love could be a sin. It didn’t seem in God’s nature. But then my dad, someone who I looked up to, see as highly intelligent and agree with on almost everything else thought it was wrong. I prayed about it and cried about it and thought that I must be an awful Christian. I didn’t know where I stood on it for the longest time.

Although I love my home group and I’m very good friends with a lot of them, I still felt as though I was going to be judged quite harshly by them for my opinion. I stated that I didn’t believe homosexuality was a sin and that I thought gay marriage should be legalised and the shock on a lot of their faces was very apparent. Something inside of me sort of broke down and I started crying. I’m not even really sure why. I think maybe it’s because I’ve grown up in such a solid home and have mostly known exactly what I believe (apart from a brief period in high school when I had lots of doubts about everything). And then suddenly I didn’t know what I believed anymore and it seemed like nothing made sense. Like I said - I don’t really know, but anyway I got emotional about it. 

It was so weird. I felt like I was coming out or something. Like I had this horrible horrible secret that I would be hated for. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for Christians who actually do have to come out. All I did was say I didn’t think it was wrong and my stomach was in knots. I still haven’t told my parents what I believe because I’m afraid of their reaction! 

Anyway, out home group leader was actually away that week, but his wife was there and obviously she told him what had happened, probably more because she was worried I was upset more than anything. I got a message from our leader asking if I wanted to talk about it or anything and I said it was okay and that I wasn’t sure why I was so emotional and asked him if there was something he wanted me to talk about. I got a message back saying that depending on how passionate I was about this that there might be an issue with me being a leader of the church. 

Now I think that he was probably referring to if I actually wanted to talk about it while I was leading a service, so I told him I wasn’t planning on preaching about it or anything. He said then it wouldn’t be a problem. But I was so shaken up by that message. I have literally gone to this church my entire life. Suddenly I was being told that my views were so against that of the church that I wouldn’t be allowed to lead anymore. This was my church. My church that is basically my second home. Somewhere that I feel so so safe. I couldn’t help but think at that point that something was definitely wrong with what my views were. I was actually over at my friends house when I got the message and couldn’t even bring myself to tell her what was happening. I jumped on skype and thank the lord, Sarah was on and I vented and she calmed me down and told me it would be all right and that sometimes things suck but it’s okay. Seriously I love that girl. 

Although he said I can still be a leader if I don’t speak about it up the front - what about if someone from the youth group asks me? What do they expect me to do? I cannot and will not lie about what I think. Will they ask me to step down? Would I then have to try and find another church after being at the same one for almost 20 years? It makes me feel sick that it could happen. 

I guess we will see what God has in store. 

This has been a post that I don’t really know how to end. If you read it all the way through, thanks for taking an interest in my life.

TL;DR

I used to believe being gay was wrong, now I don’t. I told some people and now I might not be able to be a leader in my church.